Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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