if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
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