You're my little dorito
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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