That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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