once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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