Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
