dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i was born a porn star she said
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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