Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
