You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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