my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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