Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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