I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
