He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
