True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
