Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
