I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Just invented taco cereal.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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