I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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