dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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