This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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