Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
