I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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