lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
