Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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