Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
