Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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