you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
