Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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