Are we in a gay sports bar?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize