Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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