i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
