Just took my morning after pill in the library
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
