Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
