your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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