So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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