i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
BRING THE BAGELS
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Randomize
