im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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