When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
