I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
