why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
well I can't set my house on fire every night
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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