i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
