May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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