Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
