Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
