A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
