it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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