One girl and one boy is just not enough.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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