Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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