I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
