i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
