so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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