We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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