It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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