OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
