No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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