Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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